Hurt So Good

From the desk of Crystal Andrus:



We teach what we need to learn. Or maybe better said, we teach what we’ve just learned. So passionate about our new-found excitement, we want everyone to feel what we’ve just experienced. The feeling of healing, joy, love, and sense of personal power is too good to hoard and hold onto just for ourselves. We blow the trumpets, send out the word, and beg to share our message with anyone who’ll listen.

This is really the case with me and the work that I now do…

I spent far too many years struggling; far too many years desperate for personal peace, acceptance, love, and happiness. Each time I would get a taste of it, I would hunger for it all the more. My appetite never satisfied. My thirst never quenched.

My first real memorable knockout of joy came just after my first daughter, Madelaine, was born. The overwhelming feeling I had for her, literally, bowled me over. I truly wasn’t prepared for it. Love temporarily replaced every bit of anger and fear inside of me. I felt renewed. Alive. Ready and willing.

My heart began to heal. Although my relationship with my mother had become so dysfunctional over the years—so hurt and tattered—I wondered if maybe she too had once felt this same unconditional love for me that I now held for my new child. Deep down, I believed it. I wanted to. I chose to. And even though things had been so strained, I was able to begin seeing my mother through different lenses.

The next punch of power arrived in a very different package. While focused on loving my children (yes, I had another daughter soon after, who filled me with an equally-overwhelming amount of love), I had somehow gained an exorbitant amount of weight through the process. Yet how could that happen? How could loving my children cause me to pack on the pounds? What was going on?

Then, late one night when Julia (my second daughter) was only four months old, I had my next breakthrough. Unsuccessfully fighting back tears, I sobbed as I cuddled my sleeping daughter late into the night. I had never cried so desperately or so honestly.

Really … what was happening to me? Was I having a breakdown? Had the enormity of my past pain finally caught up with me? Or maybe, it was a breakthrough?

I was truly overwhelmed, but in a different way than I had been only two short years before (almost to the day), when my first daughter was born.

The feeling, although quite different than the overpowering sense of love I had experienced with Madelaine, was still nevertheless as overwhelming. It was in that authentic moment of pain that I was able to see things through different lenses.

I loved my daughters so much that I realized I had to heal my own broken pieces—not just for my sake so that I could be a happy, successful, woman but for their sake—so that I could be an empowered role model. It was time to give my daughters the greatest gift I could ever give to them as a mother—self love. It was time to show myself love. Treat myself with love; to be here—fully awake to feel love, receive love, and allow it to blossom in my life.

If you’ve read my “Simply…Woman” journey, you’ll know that I got up the next morning and went for a walk. Those walks soon turned into runs. The runs turned into strength. The strength turned into power, and within a few short months, I became a walking billboard of health, happiness, and vitality, wanting to share my new-found confidence and excitement with everyone I met. I wanted every woman to feel alive, strong, and confident—loving the skin she was in.

Now don’t kid yourself: The 16 years since that journey began hasn’t always been easy. I won’t lie and tell you it’s been all rosy. What I will tell you is that in order to be happy, successful, empowered, authentic, and fully awake in your own life you have to break the bonds that hold you captive … in your own mind. You have to heal the “could’ve beens” and “should’ve beens”. You have to find positive and empowered ways of coping, with not only the past pains but with the new ones, arriving in the here and now. (Yes! Even when your life is happy, successful, and empowered, painful things still happen.)

The secret lies in healing the feeling.

When my daughters were born, I felt the overwhelming feeling of love. When I sat crying in my rocking chair with my daughter cuddled on my lap, I felt the overwhelming feelings of despair and confusion. In order to get where I am (and I’m not just talking about in my career!), I’ve had to actually feel and deal with……

(To read more, Click here )

Don’t miss this once in a lifetime live chat with Marianne Williamson!

Truth be told, it doesn't matter if your struggle is with weight, relationships or finances, the underlying reason remains the same: You've forgotten who you really are and you've allowed a wounded, ill-equipped part of yourself take over and "run the show". And just look at the mess she's gotten you into!If you are ready to make peace with yourself, to integrate the fragmented aspects of your personality, to reclaim your personal power, perfect health and weight, authenticity and magnificence, and discover who you really are, you can't miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to chat LIVE with Marianne Williamson and Crystal Andrus!

CLICK HERE to Join us on Wednesday, May 25th at 7pm ET / 4pm PT for a 60-minute FREE webinar that will change the way you look at your struggles forever! Make the call LIVE and have a chance WIN WIN WIN! Over $10,000 in prizes, including one lucky woman will win FREE tuition to The SWAT Institute!

For a sneak peek watch this:

Marianne Williamson is an internationally acclaimed spiritual teacher. Six of her ten published books have been New York Times Best Sellers. Four of these have been #1 New York Times Best Sellers. A Return to Love is considered a must-read of The New Spirituality. A paragraph from that book, beginning "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure..." - often misattributed to Nelson Mandela's Inaugural address - is considered an anthem for a contemporary generation of seekers. She has been a popular guest on television programs such as Oprah, Larry King Live, Good Morning America and Charlie Rose. In December 2006, a NEWSWEEK magazine poll named Marianne Williamson one of the fifty     most influential baby boomers.

Crystal Andrus is three-time bestselling Hay House author (Simply...Woman!, Transcendent Beauty! and Simply...EMPOWERED!), a women's advocate, the spokesperson for Louise Hay's new line of Haylo Health supplements, and the Founder of The SWAT Institute—an on-line empowerment coaching program designed specifically for women who want to help empower other women. She has risen above sexual abuse, homelessness, health and weight struggles, divorce, a near bankruptcy, and raising her two daughters alone ... to create a life of love, prosperity and purpose. Crystal is finally manifesting her lifelong dream—to reach out to women around the world who don't have the same opportunities that women in industrialized nations have by building Simply Woman SAFE HAVENS—culturally-sensitive centers that bring food, education, support and empowerment to women in impoverished countries.

Self-Compassion: Treating Yourself As You'd Treat a Good Friend

The golden rule tells us that we should treat others as we would want them to treat us. Maybe so, but hopefully we won't treat them even half as badly as we treat ourselves.

"You're so lame!"

"What a screw-up!"

"How can you ever show your face in public again!"

Would you talk this way to a friend -- or even to a stranger, for that matter? Of course not. (Or at least I hope not!) It's natural for us to try to be kind to the people we care about in our lives. We let them know it's okay to be human when they fail. We reassure them of our respect and support when they're feeling bad about themselves. We comfort them when they're going through hard times. In other words, most of us are very good at being understanding, kind and compassionate toward others.

But how many of us are good at being compassionate to ourselves?

Think of all the generous, caring people you know who constantly beat themselves up. For some strange reason our culture tells us that this is the way we should be -- women especially -- or else we'll become self-centered egomaniacs. But is it true?

The answer is no. All beating ourselves up does is make us feel depressed, insecure and afraid to take on new challenges because we're afraid of the self-punishment that will follow if we fail. It also makes it harder for us to see ourselves clearly because it's too painful. Much better to blame my problems on someone else so that I can avoid my inner tyrant.

For the past decade I've been conducting research on self-compassion and have found that people who are compassionate to themselves are much less likely to be depressed, anxious, insecure and stressed, and are much more likely to be happy, resilient, optimistic and motivated to change themselves and their lives for the better. They also tend to have better relationships with others. In short, self-compassionate people experience greater psychological well-being.

It makes sense. When our inner voice continually criticizes and berates us, we often end up in negative cycles of self-sabotage and self-harm. However, when our inner voice plays the role of a supportive friend we can -- when we notice some personal failing -- feel safe and accepted enough to both see ourselves clearly and make the changes needed to be healthier and happier.

But what is self-compassion, exactly? Drawing on the writings of various Buddhist scholars, I have defined self-compassion as having three main components: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

Self-kindness refers to the tendency to be supportive and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical or judgmental. Instead of tearing ourselves to shreds when we fail or make a mistake, we soothe and comfort ourselves, providing the caring concern needed to try again. To get a sense of how this feels, try putting both arms straight out to the sides and clenching your fists hard. This is what self-judgment feels like. Then release your clenched fists and open your hands. This is what letting go of self-judgment feels like. Then take both hands and place them gently over your heart. This is what self-kindness feels like. (There are different physiological processes underlying these various feelings that I'll write about in a future blog.)

Common humanity involves recognizing that all humans are imperfect. It allows us to connect our own flawed condition to the shared human condition so that we can have a greater perspective on our personal shortcomings and difficulties.

Mindfulness can be defined as the clear seeing and acceptance of what is occurring in the present moment. It involves being aware of one's painful feelings in a balanced manner so that one neither ignores nor exaggerates personal suffering.

Paradoxically, the more you're able to admit the pain of being a limited human being and accept this fact with kindness and equanimity, the more you'll be able to heal your pain. By soothing and comforting yourself, just as a caring mother soothes and comforts her child when he or she is hurt, you will be able to rebound from setbacks more quickly. You will have the emotional resources needed to take on new challenges and reach your full potential. Beating yourself up doesn't help anyone -- least of all yourself.

Self-compassion.org offers a great tool for testing your own self-compassion level and finding out if you need to start being kinder to yourself. If you find that you need to develop more self-compassion, there are a number of exercises and guided meditations that can help you cultivate a new way of being.

Luckily, most of are already quite skilled at being kind, understanding and compassionate to those we care about. To realize the benefits of self-compassion, therefore, all you need to do is turn around and apply those same skills toward yourself. It's easier than you think, and it could change your life.

* * * * *To learn more, or to order my new book, "Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind," go to www.self-compassion.org.

Follow Kristin Neff on Twitter: www.twitter.com/self_compassion